the journey is over..

Aunty's journey through life is over. Her spirit was willing to continue on but her body was not able to. With Uncle, my hubby and me by her side she breathed her last this afternoon. What a life that lady had lived. She was an anthropologist having dedicated a large part of life studying the farming methods of papua new guinea and having been inducted into the tribe she lived with. She was also a professor at a university in New Zealand. I am really going to miss her, she was opinionated but had agenerous heart always giving and giving (whether you wanted it or not!) and she could also curse more than any sailor I know... never left the house without lipstick on, her Red Door perfume, her purple knitted purse and her money securely kept in various ziplock sandwich bags.
Gods speed to you Aunty..

Update from the Hospital

Aunt isn't doing well at all, she is drfiting between periods of being lucid and periods of absolute panic. She is very agitated and wants out of the hospital. We are now trying to do shifts at the hospital to keep her company. I almost feel like we are maintaining a vigil. She is tired and trying very hard not to sleep. Thank you for your continued prayers.. It is becomming painful for me to keep writing these updates but I will try and find the strength to continue to.

More Writing Gigs..

Can you believe it I got another writing gig. This one isn't as big as my previous one but it is more interesting. I am finding writing this particular set of articles easy because it is interesting. I may be finished way ahead of schedule on this one. I took Sunday and Monday off... yeah right who am I kidding. I wrote some more articles and sent out some queries to some magazines. Tonight I plan to be up late knocking out more of these content SEO articles.

Another day... another dollar...

I have a huge deadline. For those who don't know I am a freelance writer during my free time. Free time now thats an interesting concept.. I am always busy.. free time was the time before I was awake and time after I fell asleep. So now I go to bed later and wake earlier and write. I have a couple of insane deadlines (what was I thinking!). this morning I am dedicating it to get caught up with my writing. I take two days off from my writing Sundays and mondays. On sundays I cherish that time with my family and Mondays, I clean like a maniac. Since I revived my Working at Home Mom (WAHM) status I have found work on a regular basis. I want to thank my the ladies on the WAHM forums for providing the support that is needed...
I seem very thankful lately.

News from the Hospital

Aunty was admitted at the hospital after her ride in the ambulance. She has been diagnosed with Pulmonary Embolisms. She is in ICU under going treatment. While at the hospital she sent for my dear husband. She asked him to make calls to her friends and also to her lawyer and accountant. She knows... and shes tarting to understand.. Today has been a sad day for me. I have tried not to break down and cry but to continue celebrating life. The children except the oldest (12 years old) have no idea how sick she is. We have kept that away from them. She will be at the hospital for a few days then she wil come home under hospices care. I can't even begin to start thanking everyone who has gone out of their way to express there concern and understanding. This is a real tough time for us. Uncle is taking the news very hard but he knows that her life quality was not good. Thank goodness for our faith.
For those of you reading my blog thank you for thinking about us, even for a few minutes. Our family is grateful for your thoughts.

The First 24 hours...

The past 36 hours have been very trying; Aunty came home on Wednesday evening. She looked tired and frustrated. She slept for most of the evening but the night was a different story. We were trying to figure out how to make her comfortable in her bed, ways to make for an easy bathroom experience. All I can say we ended up with a total of 4 hours of sleep. She didn’t really sleep any, neither did uncle. The day brought the same. She was not comfortable. The nice home visit nurse showed up at about 2pm and enrolled her into the program. I got a lot of insight into Aunty thinking. She is beginning to understand that she can not walk and that she is getting weaker. She still sees Chemo as her salvation. Chemo will kill her and the doctors are refusing to give it to her. She knows this but she isn’t listening. I tried to talk to her about “Five Wishes” – a really neat program to open conversation about end-of-life issues, but she shut down and put the booklet aside. As evening draw closer she started getting agitated, we were looking for a phone number of a friend of hers and we couldn’t find it. She started having problems breathing; she said she felt like she wasn’t getting any oxygen. We called 911 and they transported her to the hospital, we will know more information later. I had a nice conversation from Hospice today and we put a plan into action.

Today marks the beginning of a new journey

Today I finally felt some peace about this entire ordeal. Aunt is on her way home as I type. They released from the home as she wasn’t progressing. She was there for rehab and she wasn’t getting any rehab so they let her come home. We still have no support in place because she specifically doesn’t think she needs it. This is possibly the way she is going to learn that she needs help. I hope that she is well enough to be help herself but I know that not the reality. I think sometimes we have to fall before we realize we need help to keep us up and moving. I have no idea what to expect but at least we are moving forward. I spent my day cleaning their living quarters and I am still not done. It is about time for me to prepare dinner which will now include her special diet; she is only drinking a limited amount of soup.

A Fight to live.

Aunty is involved with a battle. Not with her cancer but with herself. She thinks it’s a battle with cancer but it’s a battle against her own reason. The doctor told her that he will not do chemotherapy on her she is too weak. She doesn’t think she’s weak and wants chemotherap and has no recollection of him saying that. If she starts chemotherapy it will kill her. She starts chemotherapy Hospice will not be a part of her care. She wants to leave the rehab home because they are all against her. She wants to come home. If she leaves the rehabit will be against the doctors orders. which means no medicare. So, I am desperately looking for some kind of in home care and I am not having any luck. And according to her there is no point to it, she doesn’t need any help, all she needs is light housework help. So even if I find in-home care she will NOT accept it.which means she will NOT pay for the care. Where to go from here.

Pro-life ... pro-choice Its all how you look at it.

On Saturday I celebrated the two year anniversary of my miscarriage. I am not sure if I call it a birthday or a passing day. Either way I lost a baby, and I grieved and it hurt immensely. I have recovered but I miss the child I would have held. On the other hand today I celebrate my daughters first birthday. I know and understand that she would not have been with us here had I not miscarried. So there is a bitter sweetness to the loss.
So it is all in the way we look at it. I am glad that no one told me on that fateful day two years ago.. “You can always have another baby...” Because that child was physically taken from me.. Note: only physically not emotionally..

Today I celebrate that a year ago my daughter joined us visually. She had been with us emotionally and I had felt her presence physically from conception. I can only try and understand the loss and pain a woman feels after a self induced pregnancy termination. I wonder if she ever does heal emotional knowing that she caused a loss of life. I guess looking at a fetus as not a part of humanity makes it easy. Therefore I say… It depends on how you look at it. If you really want a baby; a miscarriage is the loss of human life. If you don’t want a baby then the baby is just an inconvenience and can be terminated. I can promise you, when you get older chances are the emotional trauma comes home to roost.

Deciding to live...

Reading over the posts from the past week I am shocked about how I have seemingly let myself become obsessed with dying and death. I have decided to stop dwelling on that and focus more on living and life. After all Aunty is still here with us.

I have read many stories of colon cancer survival and colon cancer memorials. Most cancer patients seem to spend time trying to prolong life by weeks, months or years. There is a trade off for this; life quality diminishes. Life is that precious. If people can accept it with all the pain and discomfort that the therapies convey. The bottom line it’s not my choice and only Aunty can make the decisions that need to be made. In the mean time we will make the most of the time we have with her. Life is to be lived… The new movie by Queen Latifa I think hits the nail on the head. What if you were told you had three weeks to live? How about four months, five years? AT what point do you decide to start really living life? We never know when our life will end so we need to live life to the fullest always.
On that note I am going to make the most of my life. I promise to hug my kids more often, be more patient and understanding to my chaotic household, and not sweat the small things. Basically I am reaffirming my motto and live my life for the Love of My Family

About Hospice...

The social worker called today. She wanted to talk about Aunt’s care when she’s home. I was at a loss as I have no answers. It will take a real special “earth angel” to care for her. I called a number I picked up at the post office 6 months ago; a home care provider. I have no idea if he still available. Hopefully he will return my call today. The social worker wanted to know if we had contacted Hospice or talked to Aunty about Hospice. Yesterday I spent a good but of an hour looking for information on line about Hospice and reading testimonials. The bottom line I found out about Hospice is that Aunty has to agree to Hospice Care. Okay, next step—who is going to talk to her about Hospice care. The social worker said she would do it. My answer was “More power to you!” I have no idea how Aunty will react. She may be quietly receptive or adamantly angry. Either way I can assure you I do not want to be there. I still have to get past the Taboo subject of Death. One would think with all the Death I have witnessed in the past 10 years it should roll easily off my tongue. But it does not… I am working on it. Talking about Hospice makes me remember my college days when a close friend of mine volunteered at the local Hospice Home. I had no idea what Hospice was back then. Now we receive cards from Hospice a couple times a year—in remembrance of those that have died. (I could have said those we have lost—but I am working on the death word...)

A different kind of home...

Aunt is coming home, as soon as we finish off preparing her bedroom. There is no point to her staying in the rehab home since she will NOT accept their help. She is abusive and combative. The administration is afraid for the safety of their staff, and of course her safety too. She still can’t walk so she will be bed ridden. I am in the process of looking for some kind of home care. She doesn’t have Medicare—for some reason. The cost of her care is coming out of pocket. She is not talking about her illness or anything related to it. They tried to get her to sign a Do not Resuscitate (DNR) order but she didn’t want any part of it. She wants to receive all possible treatment and be given her fair chance to life. Can't really balme her. The doctor does not want to put her through chemotherapy saying she is too weak but I know she is going to insist. I think about Pope John Paul suffering slowly... A soul leading a body… I think about my time, will I fight too? Whatever the case, our home life is about to change.

Update from Rehab Center

I went to the rehab center yesterday where Aunt and visited with her for most of the afternoon. I don’t know why they call it call it a rehab center, it is a nursing home. Maybe, it’s someone trying to be politically correct. She seemed deflated. She was upset about not getting her anti-biotics. She was upset that it wasn’t my husband visiting; he can take care of that kind of thing. Anyway, I checked with the nurses and they couldn’t understand why she is on anti-biotics. I figured it didn’t really matter as the doctor had ordered them. She was setting an appointment to get her hair done. All seemed good. That was yesterday. Today is another story. The center called concerned about her and their staff. Apparently she as having a fit about being moved—she was scared of falling. She wanted to get out of bed herself! She threatened cursed and swore at the staff. All they were doing is trying to get her to rehab. So they are now unable to schedule any rehab for her. We are moving on to the next step. Palliative Care. The question is—How to talk to her about Hospice and Palliative Care?

Taking on Bagged Lunches

A couple of months ago the children decided they wanted to carry bagged lunches to school. The older child was getting too little time to eat his lunch. With a bagged lunch he does not have to stand in the lunch line and has more time to eat.

I plan lunches a week in advance covering all the food groups best. This planning allows me to incorporate the ingredients I need into the grocery list.

Today is the day I bake lunches. Last week I baked small rolls with the ham and cheese baked inside, and also sausage and cheese muffins. This week I am going to bake peanut butter and jelly muffins and cheese frittatas (the children love those). Baking two different lunches a week saves me time in the evening when it comes to bagging the lunches. I also save time by not having to make lunches for those of us who remain home. I can actually sit for lunch with the children and the Uncle.
My next goal is to organize the fridge to clearly label lunch goods allowing the children to bag their own lunches (under my supervision of course).

ANother New year Another Resolution

I am going to be better organized. I am a pack rat. I keep everything a good example; I have my bank statements from college days (about 15 years ago). I can’t bring myself to throw them out. I am going to work through my house and get organized. By the time we move into the new house I will have won the organization battle. I know I can’t keep a spotless house with four young children, but I want to keep an organized home.

When does a WAHM’s workday end?

I took the day off my writing yesterday to get caught up with household chores. I am so far behind. Children are running out of socks and underwear. You know that drill. I also had to steam clean the living room carpet, we had a diaper accident. I used to try and plan my day but last year it hit me; life as a parent can not be planned. My day is spent taking care of a series of emergencies. I did however get the laundry done and 80% put away. As a Work at Home Mom (WAHM), my work day is never over. I am still nursing my youngest. She is almost one. She is up probably twice a night. I am potty training my three year old; she has accidents about once a month. The Five year old is going through a phase where she has nightmares that requires mommy at night atleast three times a week. So I am still on call at night.

To Cradle Catholics who are parents...

I have noticed that most cradle Catholics leave the Church soon after they leave for college. Others fall away completely. Some rediscover the faith later in life while others just keep minimum of the faith to keep everyone else happy. This group attends Mass on major “Faith” days; they get married in the Church, they attend mass long enough to have their children baptized, receive communion and confirmation. Past that, the kids are on their own. I strongly believe these parents are failing their children. I teach a Faith Formation Class in our Parish. I consider myself fun and interesting; when the kids show up we learn and have fun. The number of children attending is pathetic. Is there a stigma attached to Faith Classes? I am not a cradle catholic but I strongly believe in the lessons we learn at Church and in our homes. Religion is a lifestyle. It reflects in how you resolve an argument, how you answer a persistent child’s questions, how you treat your neighbor among other things. I want my children to be examples of the gifts of the Holy Spirit; Wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and Fear of the Lord. I don't think thats too much to ask from my parish family. Take your kids to the religion classes, give them some of the ammo they need to face this hostile world.

Hospital Visit #3

Aunty seemed better today.. frustrated and better. She still isn't eating well but is eating a little bit. The are going to try and wean her off the oxygen but her cough sounds awful. I wonder if she had congestive heart failure. She doesn't want to talk at all about her illness so we talk about all kinds of other things. She is interested in my writing, what the kids have been up to and what was new at church. For an atheist she seems very interested in our church. SHe said she talked to the doctor but did not elaborate.
Onwards and Forwards

Hospital Visit #2

We made it to the hospital by 4:00 p.m. Aunty was hooked to the oxygen and eating her dinner. The children didn’t seem to recognize her and just stared. She seems to be wasting away . I stayed with them in the Family Lounge. Her cough sounds very bad; reminds of Late Uncle with his congestive heart failure cough. She has a fever and was given Tylenol to bring her temperature down. She is still not eating and drinking enough to get stronger. She is on oxygen because she is probably anemic from internal bleeding. The plan is that on Monday we will take her to the rehab center for her to gain her strength back and help her back on her feet. We are going back to see her again tomorrow.

I am tired tonight all that cleaning, then rushing to the hospital.

On the Family Front

I woke up late today at 9:30 am. I couldn’t believe it. I am 2 hours behind in my chores. I still have to do the laundry (all beddings included-7 beds), wash two sinks full of dishes, mop the floors, and vacuum. I also have to clean the Aunty and Uncles Suite; vacuum and dust before we can leave for the hospital. Yes, I supervise and clean two households.

I got my five year old the Leapster system this Christmas but it has become a source of fighting between the two girls (five year old and three year old). I keep going back to the ad I saw for the L-Max system. I should have bought that one that way they could both play. The L-Max plugs into the TV. Luckily, the batteries are running low. Not sure I will replenish them. I need a break from the fighting!

Talking to a Terminally Ill patient

Today we are off to visit Aunty. I am actually very nervous. I am told she looks very weak and is on oxygen. I know it will be a shock to the children to see her like that. I will prepare them best I can before hand.
Now I am down to my concerns. According to Hospice of America, I need to let her take the lead in conversations. If she wants to talk about her illness then let her. I have to be honest with her, she can tell when I am not. For some reason, just as the elderly become invisible, terminal people are looked at the same way. I must let her know we see her and are there for her if she needs anything. I should not feel sorry for her. I am guilty of that. I know how tough she is and I can’t help but think how this is really hard on her. I have to give her dignity. In the awkward moments I’ll just find out if she needs anything.

A Five Year Old's Mind

My daughter came home with an award from school today; an award for Patience. Ever heard of a five year old with patience? I was proud of her though.
Her question of the day:
Are we part of a storybook that someone else is reading?
(How am I supposed to answer that wihout laughing?)
Goodnight All

The Results are in...

Well the results are in, the cancer started in the colon, worked its way out and around the colon and into the neighboring tissue. We still do not know the implications. She is weak; can’t stand up. They have her on oxygen, she’s not eating really. They say on Monday we can take her to the rehab center to gain her strength back… Someone is not saying something.

I watched an ad on TV tonight. I believe it was for Merck. They were asking children if they new what some words meant. Like Chicken pox, the little boy said he thinks it a place where chickens go and have fun. It goes on to say that the company’s goal is to make cancer a word of the past. What an ambitious goal that is.

For those who don’t know Aunty, she’s a very difficult lady. The stories I could tell! Right now I have to hand it to the nurses who have to deal with her. I am sure by the time she leaves the hospital Monday there are few nurses who are rethinking their vocation. She will be the yardstick by which patient meanness is measured by. She can be brutally mean, but I finally figured out why. It is always miscommunication. My best advice with dealing with a tough bird, take a step back, regroup, then revisit. Show nothing but respect

Colonoscopy...

Aunty had a colonoscopy today. A colonoscopy is a procedure that allows the doctor look inside the intestine. In her case they are trying to determine if the cancer started inside the colon or started on the outside. She tolerated the procedure well and we will know more when the doctor calls. The results will determine what their cause of action will be.

How do tell children about death?

What a morbid thing to think about but it has to be addressed. In the past five years we have had an Uncle and my father-law and also a grandmother die. The most profound passing was the Uncle. You see, he lived in our house with us for a year and then at a nursing home for another year. We took the children to the nursing home every week, sometimes twice a week. When Uncle’s health started deteriorating and we knew in a matter of days we’d lose him I took the children to visit him. I remember putting my grief aside and explaining to the children what to expect. He was unable to sit up and talk to them. They were to go in the room and tell him that they loved him and exit the room so he could get some rest. My children were ten, three and one at the time. The ten year old understood that death was final but the three year old tried to understand. We are a very spiritual family and my beliefs really drive how I deal with my children. The three year old wanted to know if she could go to heaven to visit Uncle and then come back. I think my explanation was flimsy back then but I am working on it.

I believe that children need to be given the vocabulary needed to handle the death of family member. Words like passed on, went to sleep don’t mean anything to preschoolers. So as far as the youngest children go -- the one, three and five year old, I will not say anything until its eminent. As for now we are praying for her to feel better. The older 12 year old has a better understanding; he lost a classmate a year ago.

Sadly.. It is Cancer

Last night I kept dreaming of the news about Aunty. I wondered what she was doing. She is in the hospital you see and she doesn't sleep well at night. I know for sure she isn't sleeping well tonight. Yesterday she learnt that the tumors in her colon are cancerous. It took the wind out of her sails. She is a young 77 and had just (last october) moved in with us. Her new beginning might be turning into a new ending. It is just so sad. My thoughts this morning are so sobering. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be facing the possibility of dying. It will not be her first time fighting cancer, she had lung cancer when she in her 30's and survived that battle. I know shes confident and feels she will win this fight. Today I have my work cut out for me. I need to find some answers to some questions today.

How to prepare children for the loss of a loved one?
How I should I handle talking to Aunt as she lays in hospital bed getting weaker by the minute?